Inadequacy
“Above all, never let age extinguish your inner child”
― S. Ajna
I walked out of the meeting feeling like sh*t.
I just met with the VP of North America for an organization, and it didn’t go well.
I hadn’t sought out the meeting; one of the regional directors of this organization reached out and presented me with a unique consulting opportunity. I wasn’t sure if I was interested; however, the role and compensation were impressive, and most importantly, it appeared to have the flexibility that would allow me to do my work with In Her Power.
A few mins before the meeting, I observed a woman in the lobby and right off the back I found her energy and presence unsettling. To be clear, she didn’t interact with me at all. She was engaged with someone else; however, my “spider senses” went up and I knew she and I operated from different principles and values. I also knew she was the one I was meeting, although I hoped I was wrong.
Sure enough, a half hour later, I was brought into the conference room, and there she was.
At the beginning of the meeting, I found myself responding to questions in a manner that I knew the VP would find “acceptable” and comfortable.
I had stopped posturing and pivoting a long time ago to make others feel comfortable. Sure I knew the game, you can’t grow up as a Black girl in the US not knowing the game, but I was done with it.
So I shifted and presented according to the values and principles I stood by.
The energy of the meeting changed immediately, and her discomfort became palpable hanging between us.
I quietly signaled, with my biggest professional smile, that the meeting was over and could visibly see her relief.
I walked out of the meeting clear, confident and grateful to myself for not accepting what was out of alignment.
However, the feeling didn’t last long, and shortly afterward, I started feeling weird.
At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was an old feeling…something familiar. Yep, there it was. That old dusty feeling of “inadequacy” with a bit of “wanting to be wanted” as I am.
Dang! The realization caught me by surprise.
Really Aché?! I asked myself. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way.
Then I felt ashamed that I was feeling inadequate and that I “wanted to be wanted” by something I clearly didn’t want. Geesh!
While I didn’t want to admit what I was feeling and wanted to dismiss the feelings I didn’t. I took a deep breath, sat and listened to what I was feeling.
I heard the voice of my younger self asking me, “Are we good, enough, Aché?”
It was the voice of the younger me…
...the one who faced being ridiculed in ballet for having legs too thick and a round behind (decades before butt implants would arrive on the scene).
...the younger me who dealt with being described by her 8th grade teacher as being from the wrong side of the tracks (yes, she actually used those words) simply based on my brown skin and braided hair (boy, was she in for a surprise when my Mother, Dr. Lytle, came to school the next day).
...the young girl who would be called an “ugly n-word” many times by so-called “friends” and strangers on the street.
...the beautiful young lady who sat in the front row of her freshmen seminar at UC Berkeley and listened to a tenured professor explain why Blacks, gays and Jewish people were inferior.
...the strong young lady who would fight and push a man off of her who told her she should be grateful that he even looked at her.
...the loving woman who would be loyal and faithful to someone for 20+ years only to have them not be in return.
Yes, the voice of the beautiful brown-skinned little girl, young lady and woman who got me through the most challenging situations and never gave up on me regardless of how many times I got my a$$ kicked or crawled into a fetal position exhausted and hurt.
The little girl in me has carried me far and now I carry her forward.
I turned within to look her/me deep in the heart and reassure her that we are and have always been GREATER than "good enough" and expressed my love and gratitude for her/me.
Opportunities to listen and heal come to us unexpectedly through surprising channels. It is our invitation and gift to accept.
I understood that feeling inadequate or vulnerable didn’t take away from my boldness, strength,resilience, or power.
There is power in being vulnerable.
Our vulnerability allows us to connect deeper with ourselves and others. It creates Golden Moments of healing and revelation.
Don’t run from your vulnerability. Don’t hide from it or become upset with it.
Listen and see what it has to offer you. I promise you it is bringing a gift to you.
Be open to your vulnerability and you will discover a deeper well of love, creativity, joy and a beautiful place within you where you truly belong.
In Her Power,
Aché