My year of living with brain trauma...

“There is unexpected peace and power in The Pivot

~Aché

It had been a trying few months.
A season impacted by the loss of loved ones who had shaped and molded me into who I had become today.
After several emotional months and doing two eulogies, I decided to take some time to retreat and unwind in nature.
I headed to Yosemite for a few days to rest and reconnect with me. I was exhausted and wrung out emotionally, physically and desperately needed time to refill and restore.
So I spent a few days relaxing and exploring the awe of God in the majestic mountains, among redwood trees and in different bodies of water.
On my last day in Yosemite I found a wonderful waterfall and immersed myself in it to pray and cleanse.
While I stood in the waterfall I felt something break within me and the heaviness I had been carrying was instantly released and replaced with a light joyful feeling.
I sensed a deeper closeness and connection with God.
As I was enjoying those moments in the water, I heard a whisper that said “be careful walking back, you’re going to fall.”
It was the last thing I expected to hear and I was a bit confused, so I asked (apparently aloud) “what do you mean I am going to fall? I don’t understand.” My friend, who was nearby, overheard me, and asked who was I speaking to and who said I was going to fall
Still taken back. I tried to explain what I heard.
Confused, I cautiously began walking back to the start of the path. I walked very carefully and extra slowly. I took my time and looked where I walked. I was only a few minutes from completing the path when I stepped down on what looked like solid ground only to painfully learn it was sinkhole.
April, when I stepped on what I thought was land my entire body went down and I fell forward slamming my head and neck on a boulder with great force.
I can’t explain the sound I felt and heard in my head, but it was intense and scary.
Folks came running, my friend jumped down to pull me out, but I had somehow found a way to pull half my body out…still not sure how I did that.
Once I was completely out, I sat in disbelief. I was trying to process what had just happened. How did I fall? Where the hell did the sinkhole come from? I had been so careful…
Honestly I was pissed off.

I was just having a beautiful moment communing with God and the next thing I know, I am falling, slamming my head against a big boulder.

I said aloud to God, “I walked slowly and I watched where I was going, why did I fall?!” and God responded without pause “I didn’t say walk carefully so you don’t fall, I said walk carefully because you ARE going to fall. Just imagine if you hadn’t been walking slowly….”

I allowed myself to be pulled up.
I, along with the others, were examining and inspecting me for cuts. First aid kits were being brought to clean the wound, absorb the blood and wrap my head.
Except there were no bruises. There were no cuts. My head was not bleeding.
There were no visible signs of me colliding with the jagged boulder as I fell in the sinkhole.
Later, the doctor examined me and ran tests all of which came back normal. I was so grateful.
However, 2 weeks later, I was cooking on a Sunday evening and suddenly everything began shift. Literally. The world started turning on its axis, the floor underneath my feet felt like it was moving and my face felt weird.
I ran to the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked liked me, but I didn't feel like me. Something was off.
I laid down in the hopes these feelings would pass.
When I got up a few hours later, everything felt worse. The world was still spinning, only faster, and I felt like I was pushing through an intense fog trying to arrive at the present moment.
I went to the doctor immediately and was informed I was having post brain trauma from the fall.
Additional tests were done and thankfully there was no structural damaged to my brain, however, my doctors informed me that things would get worse before they got better. They were right.
I found myself dealing with a spinning world, an intensity of dizziness that was baffling, hypersensitivity to light and sound, loss coordination and blurred vision.
All of this was frustrating, but it was the loss of memory that almost broke my spirit.
I couldn’t remember how my family members and friends looked. It was a trip trying to conjure up a memory or image of someone or something and find that there was…nothing. Just nothing.
I would see my dogs in the kitchen and by the time I got to my bedroom I couldn’t remember how they looked. The harder I tried, the more elusive the images became.
Even the simple (but not so simple) task of grocery shopping was out of the question. My last trip to the grocery store resulted in me knocking over a huge display of wine. Bless Trader Joe’s heart they were truly gracious.

My coordination was off, my cognition impacted and my ability to recall words to speak was delayed. I was devastated. Until that moment, I didn’t realize how much my identity was tied to being smart, quick and the problem solver.

I was depressed. I felt isolated and alone.

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is a catastrophic condition, a quiet crisis that affects the roots of who we are — our ability to think, to communicate, and to connect with other people. Unlike an injury that is visible TBI is invisible often making it more difficult for people to experience because on the outside everything seems the same yet inside all has shifted.

During this period, the irony of launching an initiative that focused on supporting women of color on defining and cultivating resilience that celebrates our wellness was not lost on me.
I realize that I was so busy rushing to get well, that I was not focusing on my healing.
So I stopped railing and struggling against my mind and body. I stopped rushing and simply settled in and got still.
Although I had fallen, God had protected me in many ways and I was grateful.
Yes, there were many things I didn’t understand and many things I was unable to do, but I could still pray and so I did.

I prayed and pivoted.

I prayed and released my speaker and training obligations and pivoted. Something that scared me deeply as a business owner concerned about revenue.
I prayed and released business contracts that were not aligned with my physical and mental conditioned and I pivoted.
I prayed and released the plans for the launch of In Her Power and I pivoted.
I prayed and released all I thought Aché had to do... and I pivoted.
It hasn’t been an easy journey this past year. I won’t lie and say I haven’t cried or yelled. I did and sometimes still do. I have made lots adjustments and often find myself struggling with things I have never struggled with before.
And in the midst of crying or yelling, I pray and pivot.
I have found power and peace in the pivot.
In the pivot I remembered the power of gratitude and the eternal invitation to create joy in the midst of all things, including pain and sorrow.
I understand deeper how resilience is based on our ability to pivot, especially when there is a tendency to rail and struggle against something undesirable that is occurring or unfolding.
Struggling exhaust, you, while pivoting allows you to direct energy in a new direction lighting a path you never knew existed.

Today, I am about 75% back to where I was prior to the injury. However, I am not worried about getting back to where I was, I am looking to going beyond where I was and open to how that may look.

Admittedly, I am happy to be back to speaking and training, however, I am learning and appreciating the power in the pivot more.
I see pivots as loving cues from God saying “pssst not that way. Take this path. This way is better."
April, what are your thought on pivots. I would love to hear how pivots have played a powerful role in your life
Hit reply and share with me your thoughts and experience!

In Her Power,
Aché